I talk a lot. If I’m comfortable enough with you, I have a natural talent for hijacking conversations or staring blankly at you, waiting for my turn to speak. Because of this, sometimes, I have a hard time listening.

Show even the faintest interest in me or my life, and I will tell you every single tiny detail about this thing I’m currently obsessed about, or this thing that happened to me today, or this story from my past, or this thing I saw on TV, or my favorite topic for the past year and change, or this thing my kid did. But, of course, you might seem uninterested or change the subject. If that happens, I will try my best to appear unaffected, but I will be DEVASTATED inside.

That moment will haunt me. A little voice inside my head will tell me you don’t like me. It will use that moment to convince me I’m annoying and shouldn’t even try to talk to anyone again.

But I tuck those feelings away in a little box in my brain, and a little while later, the cycle repeats itself.

I am also a perfectionist. This may come as a shock to anyone who knows me because I’ve cultivated a reputation for being disorganized and untidy. At first, I didn’t think it either, and then I recognized my tendency to avoid doing things unless I knew I could do them perfectly. I often obsess over minor details, which prevent me from ever really finishing anything.

Almost everything I try to do is 1,000 times harder because I want to make sure every little thing is PRISTINE. And if there are ANY imperfections — and there are always imperfections — I will find them almost immediately after I force myself to be “finished.” They will be all I see from then on.

Those details haunt me. A little voice inside my head uses those details to remind me that I’m not very good at anything.

But, again, I tuck those feelings in a different little box in my brain, and a little while later, the cycle repeats itself.

Both of these issues have plagued me my entire life. Both have led to an almost superhuman ability to see the negative in any situation. At times, everything that happens to me gets filtered through the perspective of that little voice. It tells me what others think of me. It tells me what’s going to happen if I try something. It views anything and everything as either good or bad and scores me based on the analysis (which usually isn’t very forgiving or fair).

I’ve known that I have depression and ADHD for years, but it’s only been a little more than six months since I recognized my perfectionism and love of talking.

I learned these things about myself because I found a good therapist who helped me. I started going to therapy because I realized that my poor mental health affected my ability to be the best father and husband I could be. I still have a lot of work to do, but I’ve come a long way.

I’m writing this because May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I hope that sharing my experience will help someone know that they aren’t alone.

I included a picture of my 1-year-old son to get your attention. He and my beautiful wife are my main “anchors” in my journey to better mental health. When the mental waters get especially rough, I focus on them to help remind myself how important it is to keep goin

Being honest with yourself about you mental health is essential. It could save your life. And being honest with others could make them feel safe to share their struggles, which could save their life. It’s more important now than ever to be aware of our mental health. If you’ve read this far, I appreciate it, and if you’r also struggling, I hope you’ll share your own story, even if it’s just with one person. If you have no one you feel you can talk to, the Central Kansas Mental Health Center offers services in Ellsworth County. Call them at (785) 823-6322. If you’re in desperately need of help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Derek Mueller-Smith is a Wilson High School graduate. He is married to Alyson Brooke. They have one son.

“I learned these things about myself because I found a good therapist who helped me.”