Editor’s note: Mark Inman Seitz worked for the Ellsworth County Independent-Reporter for many years. He was a journalist, sports writer and all round funny guy. He passed away May 12, 2022. In memory, the I-R is republishing excerpts of the popular HindSeitz columns, originally published in the I-R in 2007.

Stupidity has me totally in stitches

Time now to talk about trickledown stupidity.

It’s out there.

And it’s in the form of wannabe ESPN sports radio broadcasters who listen to ESPN radio.

ESPN radio broadcasters, for whatever reason, decided they should reinvent English superlatives. They always say, “Podunk University’s big lead of the game was nine points.”

Now, Wyatt Thompson of the KSU network is doing the same thing.

I even heard it from a guy broadcasting the Hoisington Winter Jam a few weeks ago.

People, let’s get back to basics.

Think superlatives here.

The big lead is a one point lead maintained throughout the game.

A bigger lead is when a team makes a basket to increase its one-point lead. When another basket increases the three-point lead to a five-point lead, the superlative at that point becomes BIGGEST!!!!!!!!!!

A TEAM CAN NOT HAVE A NINE POINT LEAD BE ITS “BIG LEAD OF THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to choke these people. I scream at the radio and throw stuff when I hear this.

OK. I feel better now.

My past experience of cutting stitches out of my tongue consists entirely of, well, waking up in the morning and eating a donut.

But, I decided to give it a show anyway.

Got a pair of sewing scissors, even though I don’t sew. In my right hand was the trusty meat tongs. Grabbed said tongue with said tongs. That means the scissors are in my left had. Keep in mind, I’m right handed, and I’m using a mirror and working without a net.

The result?

I’m 1-0.

I ate the contents of a can of soup that had “chicken meat” listed as an ingredient. Better that than “chicken bones” or “chicken feet and beaks.” ...

... More rant on big lead

I need a new banjo and a new stereo.

I used the former to smash the latter when I heard Wyatt Thompson refer to the Wildcats’ “big lead of the game” Saturday against Colorado.

Earlier in the day, I heard Bob Davis — Voice of the Jayhawks and consummate professional — refer to the Jayhawks’ “biggest lead of the game” against Missouri.

Some experts are saying our weather pattern is the result of an El Nino, which is Spanish for “The Nino”.

Hey, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

The turnips threw me off of it.